Home Breaking the silence
Breaking the silence
This takes a great deal of courage and can be done in different ways.
You have the right to speak about your experiences and right to express how you feel. Keeping things to yourself can be difficult and make you feel very alone.
You do not have to stay silent about abuse or rape and you do not have to be alone. Breaking the silence is often a vital first step on the road to recovery.
Speak to someone you trust about your experiences and your feelings. You have the right to tell if you want to, though it can be difficult. You may find it easier to cope with life if you can share how you are feeling with someone. Sometimes talking about things can make you feel a lot better and, often someone else can help you make sense of your experience or help you to get help.
Write about it in a diary of journal or buy a book to you keep your thoughts and feelings in. Writing down how you feel can be a way of getting your feelings out. It can also help you realise that feelings can change over time. Writing can be letters that you never send, poems, your story on your feelings.
Draw or paint to express yourself. Use different colours to release your feelings and tell your story. This can be a safe way of expressing yourself because only you will know what your picture really means.
Get physical - bash your pillow, run, swim, dance, scream and yell. Being physically active can help you let out difficult feeling without others knowing. Anger, frustration, fear and pain can be channelled into activity or even sport instead of being bottled up inside. If you bottle it all up it may cause you further pain.
Moving On
It can take a long time to feel okay again after being abused. It can be painful and involve hard work on your part, but it is worth it in the long term to work through the healing process. To go forward you have to accept your feelings and deal with any effects that the abuse had in your life. It is possible but the hard part is believing this. You don't have to heal alone. The journey towards healing is difficult enough - you deserve support.
Decide who you can trust and feel safe with. This can be someone who is a relative, a friend, or someone from an organisation you have approached for help. If the person you have chosen to speak to does not listen or understand, try to find someone who does. No matter who helps you and supports you through your healing, remember that it is you who is doing the hard work and it is you at the end of the day who has survived. The day will come when you feel okay again. You may never forget what has happened, but you can, and will have survived it.
Recognise and appreciate the strength and courage you have shown in coming to terms with the abuse you have suffered. Hold your head.
Coping with your Feelings
There are different ways of coping with your feelings.
You may not be able to help what you do or like the methods you use to cope.
The ways you cope may cause you further problems, but frequently, in the short term, they may help you to survive.
Other people are often unable to understand what you are doing or why.
Your coping mechanisms are unique to you, but they may include some of the following:
Forgetting You may choose to cope by forgetting that the abuse or rape happened by pretending that it never happened at all. This is normal but memories can return in time. You may find that it will help to speak to someone that you can trust.
Excuses It is common to make excuses for the abuser, especially if it is someone that you care for. Sometimes it is easier to blame yourself rather than to accept that someone you trust is capable of abuse. Try to remember and believe that you are not to blame, the abuser is ALWAYS to blame.
Isolation You may cope by isolating yourself from other people by shutting yourself away and bottling everything up inside. Again, try and speak to someone that you can trust.
Self Hurt There are many reasons for hurting yourself after abuse. It can be a way of making the inside pain visible; you may think you deserve to hurt; it can make you feel better; it can release feelings; it can help you feel alive. It is not wrong and no one should judge you for this, but you can get help to stop.
Anger You may get very angry about what has happened and you may lash out at people close to you or direct your anger at yourself. You are right to feel angry, but the abuser is the one who deserves your anger the most!
Your Feelings Matter
If you have been raped or sexually abused it can affect you in many ways. We are all individuals and our reactions can differ.
There is no right or wrong way to feel and it can take some time to work out what your feelings are.
Here is a list of some of the feelings you may have, you may feel all of these, several of them or none at all. Remember, what ever you are feeling is okay, everyone is different and react in their own way.
Lonely Keeping everything to yourself can be very lonely. Even when everything comes out people expect you to get on with your life and they often don't want you to speak about what happened or your feelings.
Afraid Fear is a natural reaction to being overpowered. You may become afraid of things you were not afraid of before or may not even know what it is that you are afraid of.
Dreams You may have bad dreams for a long time after the abuse or rape and sometimes this can bring back bad memories.
Guilt Often you feel that you are somehow to blame. This can be made worse if the abuser blamed you or said that you deserved it. Sometimes other people make you feel guilty by how they respond to you when they hear about it. It is NOT your fault, no matter what anyone else may say.
Sad You may feel overwhelming sadness and this can lead to depression. Speaking to Rape & Abuse Support/someone can help you overcome this.
Angry Anger is a natural reaction to a wrong that has been done to you. It is okay to get angry and important to find ways of expressing your anger without hurting yourself.
Worthless You may feel that you are worth nothing or hate yourself. Abuse or rape often changes the way that we see ourselves.
