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How to Support
Rape and sexual assault happen far more often than the police statistics and newspaper articles indicate.
The rapist often uses a lot of physical violence and verbal intimidation. He may do very intimidating or humiliating things to the woman and he may be a man who the woman knows. He could be a friend, neighbour, workmate or relative for example.
Most of us are shielded from knowing what rape is really all about until it happens to us or to someone we are close to.
When a woman is assaulted she may react in many different ways. Some women scream, some fight back, very many go quiet and still – too frightened to cry out or to get away. Others make the decision to allow it to happen in the hope of getting away without any more violence. The methods used by the rapist to overcome a woman may also vary. He may have, or claim to have a weapon. He may use, or threaten to use physical violence against her or her family or he may overcome her by sheer size.
Most men are bigger and heavier than most women, and perhaps, more importantly, they know how to use physical violence, when women usually do not.
The reactions of some women after having being raped can also vary a lot. Some are hysterical, some silent and withdrawn, some act very calmly.
Different women have different ways of reacting to an experience which will not only have been painful and terrifying but which will probably have affected her whole life by taking away her feelings of safety and trust. If a woman is not sobbing or distressed, that does not mean that she is not upset. She may be too shocked to face up to what has happened, or may be forcing her feelings under the surface because she is afraid of losing control completely once she lets them out.
So it is important to take her seriously, to believe what she tells you, and to be prepared to hear shocking and upsetting details.
Don't cast doubt on what she tells you, she will probably already have met a lot of disbelief from other people, and needs to be listened to by someone who accepts the truth of what she is saying. It is important to be accepting of the way she is reacting. She may want to repeat details again and again or she might not want to tell you anything at first but then she lets it all spill out long afterwards.
The way she reacts might not be what you expect. Most women develop difficulties in all sorts of parts of their lives. They might find it impossible to go to work, for instance, or find it hard to deal with their children.
It is best to try to get rid of any ideas you have of how raped women ‘should' behave, and to accept her reactions are normal. Any reactions are normal.
